Lia Steinson

Give up judgment and…

Be the Presence of Love

Nothing sabotages our happiness more than the common tendency to judge others, events, the world – well, everything really.  Do you recognise the mindset that enters most situations with a kind of  ‘what’s not ok here?’ mentality.  It’s so normal that you might not even have spotted it in yourself.  What about when you go to a new place,  look for a new source for things to buy, meet a new person – do you tend to think how they could have done things better, how you would have acted differently or how in some way things were really not quite good enough.  Do you find yourself complaining frequently, moaning about the state of the world, business, politics or prominent figures?

Our culture approves of people standing up to condemn bad behaviour, punish wrongdoing, ostracise the ‘black sheep’… thus creating a greater sense of separation and of the righteous looking down on the sinners.  Yet the major effect of this judging and punishing is to produce hatred in those who are judged and punished; it doesn’t encourage them to learn to be ‘better’, rather it stimulates an attitude of vengeance, bitterness and isolation – which leads in turn to the punished aligning them selves with others in the same situation and in opposition to the ‘oppressors’. 

It is essential that, as a society, we begin to think more constructively and wisely, to look at a bigger picture of what makes so called criminals in the first place, and how they could atone for harm they have done, learn to think differently and return to their communities as effective and accepted members.  It is not intelligent to think simply in terms of  how they should be restrained, punished, incarcerated and in general hidden away from everyone else who has not actually been apprehended for their various misdemeanors…

Q. What causes a person to hurt others, to steal, to con, to cheat, lie or abuse?  What turns an innocent baby into a cruel and aggressive adult, someone who is clinically depressed, suffering from low self esteem or a person who is unable to function normally in society?

A. Fundamentally, their childhood trauma.

This trauma is defined only from the child’s perspective. The worse the growing child’s experience is, the more he/she will invent coping mechanisms, manipulative behaviour and, frequently, criminality.  A child needs approval, validation, kindness, affection, attention, unconditional love and the opportunity to grow in a safe and protective environment.  The child will use all its ingenuity and skills to get its needs fulfilled if they are not met naturally, and this is where the adaptive behaviour starts.  All children also need good role models.  If fundamental needs are not met naturally, the child will learn to manipulate, lie, act out, be secretive, demand and generally create negative tactics to get what it wants.  It is also the frequent cause of illness as the body reflects the state of the mind.

Now it becomes clearer how criminal behaviour evolves.  No-one starts out life as a criminal; what has happened is that a belief system has developed from childhood based on low self esteem, lack, defensiveness, a sense inferiority or victimhood and the urge for vengeance on all those who have oppressed, neglected and undermined them.   

This is also the origin of the desire to judge and criticise in all ‘ordinary people’.  It arises from a sense of inner guilt and fear; these feelings are extremely uncomfortable and we desperately need to get rid of them.  So, what do we do?  We attack others, the world, events and situations.  More personal guilt and fear equals more attack which temporarily assuages these untenable feelings.  But it doesn’t last long and soon the desire to offload our painful feelings comes back and we start looking around for suitable opportunities to blame and cut down.  This is clearly circular…  When we attack others we momentarily reduce our burden of guilt and pain, but the victim of our attack usually reacts with counter attack as their own inner guilt and fear rises within them.  It is a hopeless game and no-one wins.  It is important to realise that a contented person with genuinely good self esteem and an attitude of accepting life as it is, is not going to attack others or be judgmental.  Childhood trauma prevents the natural development of a happy and non judgmental disposition.  

So, what to do?

Clearly, counselling is an essential for those who have suffered childhood trauma, but, in terms of  this article, I’m going to look at what each individual can do in their everyday lives.  The key is to learn to observe our thinking and to realise that the conditioned mind has taken on a collection of thought patterns that, through constant repetition  and acting out, have taken on the appearance of truth.  These thoughts belong to the child mind and the need to create coping mechanisms for survival. They do not belong in the here and now but they have become entrenched. The unconditioned mind is still and peaceful, resting in the present moment without unnecessary reflection on the past or future.  It responds to intuitive awareness and a deep experience of  inner guidance which owe little to logical thought; it is a higher intelligence and profound wisdom which effortlessly takes everything into consideration. 

The key, then, is to watch the mind and learn to quietly question first all thoughts that are self judgmental.  What if they belong in the past and that, beneath a poor self image there is a being that is as good and beautiful as it was as a baby?  Our desire to judge ‘out there’ comes from judgement within us projected outwards.  What if we were to decide not to believe anything self critical?  Gradually the deeper truth of ourselves would emerge and we would come to know the light within us. All negative thought and behaviour is  on top of the truth of who we really are, and, as we let go of self condemnation and negative thoughts about ourselves so our inner beauty is revealed; it never went anywhere, it simply got covered over.  A Course in Miracles teaches a radical form of forgiveness which characterises this process – seeing beyond the darkness to the light.  It is a process of quiet observation of the mind and the letting go of all that doesn’t serve our oneness with all life.  Happiness is a state of unthinking awareness; the journey to it is of allowing the growth of this awareness in which there is no criticism or mental commentary.  Witnessing without reaction allows unnecessary thought to drop away. 

This work on ourselves is the first and most important step in giving up judgement.  Once we have discovered how to love and accept ourselves exactly as we are, the desire to put our judgement out into the world falls away.  We see through the eyes of benevolence and the willingness to be of service.  There is no worldly darkness that will be healed through condemnation, criticism, revenge or punishment; it will only be intensified.  Our task is to be the presence of love in every situation, to forgive and see beyond wrongdoing to the light.  Unconditional love is powerful, resilient and courageous, but gentle and kind too.  It is not soppy… Where there is darkness, do not condemn, ask how you can help.  Do not add to the darkness with your judgement; switch on the light. 

For help and support with resolving childhood trauma, see my Life Counseling page on this website.

To discover ore about being the presence of love, see my Events Page for my September 18th online Workshop of the same name, ‘Be the Presence of Love’.